Updated: Mar 20
Someone messaged me with a really nice message that made me smile, and honestly made my day (week, month... year I think) It's not often that I feel that way and I wanted to say thanks so much for being interested in my content, and sending me the message of support, and from this internet stranger back to another, I really appreciate it <3
(Edited, cleaned up, 20-03-2021)
Today is also important because today I told someone close to me how I truly felt about a situation. I will not go into details here. But I just wanted to make note of the day that I finally stood up for how I feel and said to this person, how I feel. The anxiety I experienced before sending the message was both mental and physical. I experienced physical symptoms similar in nature to a panic attack; tightening of the chest, "butterfly" feeling in the gut/stomach, shaking, sweating and 'light-headedness', and blushing.
The physical anxiety symptoms is my body's response to keep me safe (in a misguided way, taught through experiencing social abuse as a child); the same methods which would prevent me from being killed in, say, a dangerous situation, seek to prevent harm to come to me for simply saying how I feel - as my brain has been conditioned over the 27 years of my life to expect physical and emotional abuse from confronting people regardless of how morally superior my position is.
This is unhealthy and it must change. Today I took the first step in addressing my inability to convey my feelings on matters that involve potential conflict with other human beings.