People.

I do not like people in general. It is not because I don't like people, per se, but more to do with the fact that they confuse and terrify me due to complex social interactions, expectations, conformity, indirect implication and huge variance in expected reactions.


This is coming from someone who has developed somewhat severe social anxiety, due to being subject to abuse from those around me (at schooling) and in my own family. After nearly two decades of that, I developed a defensive mechanism within my own mind that seeks to prevent further harm to me, often physical.


The effect of that mechanism is to keep people aorund me happy. Whether by direct disadvantage to myself, or otherwise submitting to them. This manifests outwardly as being a 'people pleaser' or a 'yes person'. It can often leave me at a distinct disadvantage, as I almost always will give up something beneifical to myself, in order to keep someone else happy.


In addition, the anxiety causes me to be shy, quiet and often obsessed with preventing myself from being the centre of attention. This is because if I am unnoticed, people can't hurt me. Outwardly, this can manifest as aggression, especially to those close to me such as my mother. The aggression towards her, would be due to her doing something that my brain believes will attract attention to myself, and consequently, put me in threat.


The long and short of it is, I've learned, whether for good or not, to be scared of people. Engaging with people online has served to strengthen this even more. Without any accountability, people online hide behind their monitors and are even more toxic and abusive than in real life - even if there is no direct physical threat.


Fast forward to today, I'm 26, and I'm still shackled to this looming fear of human beings. I'll tell you that online, it more often than not manifests as anger and aggression. You probably noticed that if you read my website. With less of a chance of being physically hurt, I guess my Fight or Flight reaction is more inclined to choose to fight.


Where will I go from here? I may choose not to interact with people. I may choose to isolate myself from people, so that I can't be subject to their unpredictable behaviours. I do not understand the human social complex, and honestly, I don't even want to.

©2020 by Sashleycat (Read the Legal stuff)